If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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