dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Randomize