update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I want to fling myself into the sun
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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