this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
