I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
