cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
