I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
