i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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