My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
