I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
