i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
