I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
