My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
