You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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