Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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