So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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