Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
