Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
