I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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