i think my tv is drunk
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
