I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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