If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
