You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
