He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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