goodnight i made you a song goodbye
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
