I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
