I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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