Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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