My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If I die, sorry about rent.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
