I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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