apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
