I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
