I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
this boner is exhausting
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
