final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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