Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize