Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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