dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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