did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
