i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
