Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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