he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
