I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
