If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
