2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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