R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
