get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
