I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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