Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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