I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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