so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
