Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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