Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Someone shit on the floor
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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