Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I need to sanitize my soul.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
