apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
