well you can't waste a boner
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize