I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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