Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
