It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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