then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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