Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish you could order shots online.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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