I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
