We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
